I think people look at me and think I’m this perfect little Christian girl who never falls out with God or questions anything. To many, I’m some cookie-cutter girl with no issues and no problems, which couldn’t be further from the truth. People think that because I acknowledge that God is in my life that life isn’t ever hard for me. If I’m honest though, lately I’ve felt like living the life of a Christian is really unfair. I’ve felt like this saved life isn’t fun and calls for too much sacrifice. I found myself feeling tired, exasperated, and like living a life for the Lord wasn’t worth the effort. I found myself being unfulfilled even knowing that people are looking at my life to see if holding on to Christ is worth it. The idea of someone looking to me for strength and for a reason to keep pushing towards the cross was slowly becoming not enough for me to keep sharing my story and living connected to Christ. God has had me placed in this season of waiting for several months, and I’ve really just been tired of waiting on God to show me the things I desire to see and to give me the things He promised to give me. I’ve really been in a slump, a Christian rut even. I was sinking and nobody knew it but me and God. My ministry felt purposeless. I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere in Christ. I believed all of the promises God has given me over the years were false and that maybe He’d changed His mind about who He had called me to be. I wasn’t living in sin, and I wasn’t seeking to live in and do things of the world….. but I felt so stuck. Like God.. what am I doing? What am I even waiting for? Why aren’t you using me? Why am I still here?
If I’m going to be open and honest, I have to tell you that I stopped reading my bible. I stopped praying. I stopped writing because I couldn’t find any satisfaction in those things. It didn’t feel like God was speaking to me or trying to do anything with me, so I didn’t see the point in connecting with Him. Most of my conversations with God were short, quick, dismissive, and one sided. I busied myself with anything I could think of that would allow me not to be concerned with connecting to God. I began to develop this idea that living for Jesus was unfair. I let my circumstances and my emotions weigh me down to the point of me deciding that this whole Christian thing was unfair, unbalanced, and not rewarding. I didn’t doubt the realness of God or that He knew what I was facing. I had just gotten to the point where waiting for His promises to manifest was taking too long and was bending me out of shape.
I found myself at the end of about week three feeling like this. I was finding a slow and steady rhythm of not doing the things I normally do to invite God into my space and into my days. I was still listening to worship music every morning and reading quick devo’s to convince myself that I was okay, while constantly ignoring the beckoning of the Lord to truly tap into his presence. I was getting onto the elevator in my living space, and I said to God, “This is so unfair. Living this life is so unfair. Waiting on You is so unfair.” (bold, right? I was wildin’). I wasn’t expecting God to say anything back to me, but I heard Him whisper, “What about the cross? Was that fair?”. BOOM. SHOOK. Life rocked. Not yet ready to deal with the reality of my situation, I tucked that thought away and kept going about my day.
One morning, I decided that I wasnt going to be able to stay in this place. I had been here too long, and God had already watched me play myself for a few weeks. I got my journal out and decided that even if I couldn’t fix my situation completely, I would be brutally honest with God about what I felt and what I needed from Him. I wrote about feeling useless, purposeless, unmoving, and stuck even. I wrote about how I felt like people around me were moving into these big parts of their purpose and then there was me. I told Him that I didn’t see any need to read, to sing, to write. I told Him that my waiting seemed to be in vain and seemed like there wasn’t in purpose in it anymore. My writing turned into crying, and my crying turned into this super raw, vulnerable moment with the Lord expressing myself and giving Him all of these things I was feeling. The heaviness that I’d been feeling for weeks was lifted away, and I was left with the reality that all I had to do was come to God in the first place.
He brought the thought of the cross back to my mind. He reminded me of the sacrifice He made when He sent Jesus to the cross. He reminded me of the sacrifice that Jesus made when He gave His life for us. He gently reminded me that there were others who made sacrifices before me in order to save someone else’s life and that I was going to have to do the same. He reminded me that the cross was unfair. He showed me that there is nothing more unfair than dying for people who hate you, don’t believe in you, don’t know you, and aren’t trying to know you, which is exactly what Jesus did. He reminded me that He doesn’t change and that His word doesn’t change. He reminded me that the promises He’s given me have to come to pass. He reminded me of Phillipians 1:6, “ And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” He reminded me that He is a God of completion. He is a God of finished products, so these things, these ideas, these plans He’s given to me can’t just lie dormant and uncompleted. He will finish what He’s started in me. He reminded me that He loved me and that there is purpose in me. He reminded me that I am His.
I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced this. I know that I am not the only woman struggling with these feelings, these doubts, and these lies from the enemy. I know I can’t be the only one experiencing drought and void in my spiritual life. Although I haven’t quite figured it all out, I’ve learned that some of the things you must consider when dealing wth moments of feeling purposeless or feeling like Christianity is unfair is:
- Having eternal life will never be unfair. Being a Christian affords you so many benefits and opportunities such as living an eternal life in heaven with God, our Father. No matter what we experience or go through on earth, eternal life can never be unfair. It will always be the best reward we could ever imagine. One we could never earn and one we will never deserve. So pick yourself up, look around, and find something to be grateful for. Being a Christian and having a real relationship with Christ can never be unfair.
- You must have enough will-power and faith in the Lord to stop these moments of drought and purposeless, and deeply connect with your Father in order to overcome. Spiritual drought and feelings of purposeless never just happen. They evolve over time, especially if you don’t nip them in the butt when they first appear. These things will happen, but we have the power and the authority to stop them in their tracks and to change our perspective. Don’t wallow in it. Connect to Christ and allow Him to guide you through it.
- Obstacles are a part of the process of pursuing your passions for Christ. The enemy will never let you reach your destination without a fight. God never promised us sunshine and happy days every single day. He didn’t promise that we wouldn’t have trials and tribulations but He promised to be there every step of the way. Don’t be shocked or surprised when things come up, but be prepared to fight them with the word of God and your faith.
- Waiting is inevitable. God isn’t just going to give us everything we desire all at once. Sometimes we aren’t ready. Sometimes were aren’t in position to recieve, so know that periods of waiting will come. Don’t be dismayed or discouraged by those moments. Find your faith and find your fight. Victory is on the other side of your wait.
- Praying and reading your word are unavoidable when it comes to getting over spiritual drought. You can’t stop doing the things you know to do just because trouble comes or you become uncomfortable. Those are the times when you need to mediate on the word the most, and pray the hardest and the most fervent. Those are the times when you lean and depend on what you know works.
It took me a good little minute to come to my senses and allow God to reveal to me the truth of my situation and to repent and get back on track. Don’t be like me. Don’t allow the enemy to get you off track so far and so long. Immediately cast out feelings of purposeless and inadequacy because those feelings just multiply and become something bigger than you can handle. Be quick. Be smart. Be ready. Know that God never leaves us, and that our struggles will only give us a better testimony in the end. I am still actively struggling to climb out of the hole I dug for myself, but I am learning, I am evolving, and I am trusting that God will give me the answers when it’s time.
As always love God, love people, and ditch this notion that living for God isn’t fair. Not only is it fair but it’s the most satisfying thing you could ever do with your life. Trust that.
If you have any questions about my walk with Christ, my blogs, or my life, feel free to email me at “firstname.lastname@example.org”! Follow me on social media to keep up with my blog through that avenue! Insta: _sincerelyimani and Facebook: Sincerely Imani 🙂