I know the title is so dramatic, right? HA HA! But it’s true. My boyfriend and I decided that we aren’t going to kiss anymore until we’re married. Shocked, are you? Yeah, me too. Here’s a little backstory:
During the beginning stages of our relationship, I introduced the idea of…fasting (for lack of a better word) from physical aspects of a relationship when either of us felt uncomfortable or felt like our physical relationship was more in tact than the emotional or spiritual aspects of our relationship. The first time we did it, it lasted for about 3 weeks. It was definitely a time of refreshing for us, reconnecting to God, and really getting to know each other on different levels.
We’ve done this several times throughout our two and a half years of knowing each other and almost two year relationship. Sometimes for a week, sometimes for a few days, and sometimes for as long as it took. We used it as a way to just step back and regain control of our relationship. Sometimes we just didn’t even feel the need to kiss or engage in any sort of physical relationship because we had learned that it wasn’t really what we needed to engage with each other.
We’ve shown incredible self control in our relationship and although we both now know that a physical relationship isn’t necessary to be intimate, we’ve certainly had our downfalls when it comes to sexual sin. Although both of us are virgins, the enemy really desired to pull both of us away from our God-given purposes using the idea that pleasing our flesh was actually worth disappointing God. We’ve always believed that our union was put together by God but that doesn’t mean the enemy didn’t try to use anything he could to stop it. It came to a point in early August of this year that the arguments were too much, the sin was too much, and holding on didn’t seem like the right thing to do. So, we broke up. GASP. I know right? Not a lot of people know this but it happened. It was hard. It hurt.. a lot, and I really didn’t think we were going to be able to come back from it. But it was necessary. When we got back together, we decided we wouldn’t kiss until we were ready. We are now going on 4 months without it.
During the break up and initial months with no sort of physical intimacy, I learned a few things.
- I learned that removing physical intimacy from the equation sparks growth and development like nothing else will.
Removing it gave us room to really hash out other issues in our relationship. We were able to deal with things we couldn’t see because of physicality. We really got to know each other, I mean REALLY go to know each tother. We were able to learn new things about the other and were also able to remember old things. We were able to reposition ourselves in our relationship to where we depended on God more than we depended on physicality.
2. I learned that physical intimacy is SO powerful.
Well, duh. It’s supposed to be which is why it causes more problems in unmarried relationships than its worth. It causes you to do, believe, and say things you don’t want to do, believe, and say. It really takes your attention off of God and puts it on the person, which causes you to put unrealistic expectations on your partner. Physical intimacy is way more intricate and complicated than people think.
3. I learned that the one thing you think you can’t live without in a relationship, ya really can.
The Holy Spirit really does give you the strength and the power to abstain from putting to much emphasis on a physical relationship. Sometimes physical doesn’t equal sin, but for some, it does mean you aren’t considering everything that’s important for maintaining a healthy relationship. You think you can’t be in a relationship and not kiss? Well, that’s a lie, and you might want to consider what really matters to you and if the focus of your relationship is truly aligned with whats good and honorable versus what feels good.
Honestly, I don’t believe kissing before marriage is a sin (some may disagree). I believe it to be more of a gateway to sex. It opens you up to want more physical intimacy. Because sometimes, kissing really isn’t just enough ya know? We’re wired to want more when we engage in it. So its okay to desire to kiss your partner, it’s okay to desire sex. But it’s not okay to go farther than necessary. It’s not okay to see how far you can go before you feel bad. Kissing creates sort of a “what can we get away with” game, and it’s honestly very exhausting. Our bodies are so sacred and mean so much to God. Because He lives in us, our body is His body as well. So it’s important to be cautious and aware of what you’re using your body to do. It’s important to remember that God doesn’t call us to purity and holiness to hurt us. It protects us, and allows us to live a life free from guilt, shame, and any doubt that will make us not believe God’s thoughts about us.
Now even knowing all of this, when Jeremiah told me he wanted us to abstain from kissing until we get married, I was very caught off guard and super defensive.. Like what? We don’t even know WHEN we’re getting married, it could take years. How could we commit to this? I literally just didn’t want to do it. I really still don’t. But just because I don’t want it (my flesh doesn’t want it) doesn’t mean it’s not going to help us in the long run. I understand that it gives us time to focus on other things, it gives us the ability to grow and connect using other forms of intimacy, and it gives us the ability to leave physical intimacy to the imagination until we’re married. This will pretty much completely shut down any gateways for our kissing to grow into more than kissing, thus catapulting us into more physical intimacy than we need to be engaging in. For us, physicality became a distraction, so this eliminates it.
I asked J for his take on it, and this is what he said:
“I wanted to keep making changes in my life to get closer to God. The state that our relationship was in wasn’t allowing that, so I decided that something needed to be fixed. The best solution was to shut the door that led to everything else, which was kissing. There’s really no use for it. People say it’s needed for intimacy, closeness, stress relief, fun, etc., but if you depend on kissing for that, you’re building those aspects of your relationship on a very weak foundation. Not kissing isn’t the easiest thing to do, nor is it an easy decision to make. But I love God more than I love Imani, and I made a decision to stop disappointing Him. It’s been a few months since we started this and our relationship has been better since we did. I’ve gotten to know her better, we’ve found alternatives to intimacy, we argue a lot less, and we’ve been having a genuinely fun time together. When you know better, you should do better. We decided to do better, and we’ll keep getting better.”
This surely is a sacrifice for us. One that I never saw myself being willing to make, but honestly, I’m really excited to see what happens on the other side of it. I was very hesitant and even rebellious about it when we first discussed it, because I thought I needed to know I had the option to kiss if I wanted it. But honestly, I don’t. I went years without kissing before, and I can definitely do it again if it means I can please God with my relationship. Once I examined the pros and cons of the idea, I felt like God was calling us to this. I truly believe this is something we need to do for the benefit of others who don’t know there are ways to truly remain pure until marriage. I truly believe us accomplishing this will inspire and motivate others to really chase after God and remove anything from their relationship with their significant other that doesn’t please Him. If I know anything about the Lord is that He never asks you to sacrifice anything without having something more rewarding on the other end of your sacrifice.
So now we just continue the patterns and way of living we’ve developed over the past few months. I don’t really think this is going to be super easy or that sometimes we won’t think about giving up, but I know for a fact it’ll be worth it. I’m not saying everybody should choose to do this. I’m just saying to make sure you are focusing on the correct things in YOUR relationship, make sure you’re keeping God in the mix, and make sure you’re not relying too heavy on physical aspects of YOUR relationship.
As always love God, love people, and pray for me! LOL.
If you have questions, which I assume you do, or you just want to discuss this further, please feel free to do so! You can find me on these sites below:
Instagram: imaniharriss, twitter: _imaniharris, Facebook: Imani Harris, email: firstname.lastname@example.org (if you have my number, text me lol)