The truth is a few months ago I was a hypocrite. On August 1, 2016, I wrote an article for the odyssey on how to “protect your purity”. Ironically, here I am again.. writing about the same thing I believed I had already mastered. The truth is I was still trying to find my way in a new relationship, struggling with old insecurities, and trying to find restoration. I was broken.
The truth is holding on to my purity was never a struggle for me growing up. I never had the desire to engage in physical or sexual activities. It just wasn’t something I struggled with. BUT I did struggle with looking for love in the wrong places. I struggled with holding on to boys who destroyed my heart and my hope more times than I could count. I struggled with wanting a boyfriend so bad that I accepted love in any form when in reality.. it wasn’t love at all. It was a false sense of security that was far less than I deserved. I know now that I wasn’t pure even then, because purity is a lifestyle. I was giving away things I should’ve only given to Jesus. I was giving away my heart, my love, my desires, my time, my efforts, and my hope. I gave away the best parts of me. I gave away myself.
Even after I decided to stop seeking love from boys who didn’t deserve me, I allowed the devil to use me considerably in another way. He sought after my purity harder than ever. Except this time, I was actually setting myself up for failure in my actions. I was diving into unchartered territories in regards to pursuing physical relationships. Something I never desired before became my bad habit. It was a heavy one at that. Once I had a little, it was hard not to want a lot. I struggled to hold on to the one thing I never wanted to give away: my virginity.
The truth is the past two years have been two years of fighting for my purity. The things that happened probably aren’t that bad in the eyes of other humans, but for me I had reached the point of no return. At times, I felt so disconnected from God because of what my flesh wanted. I was shattered and felt so empty sometimes that I couldn’t remember why I wanted to keep my purity in the first place. I was so content with giving away my purity piece by piece and got to a point where my desire to feel good for a fleeting moment was more important than my worship, my praise, and my purpose. I almost gave up on everything I had built over the years within myself. The truth is the physical desires and actions didn’t make me anymore connected to myself or people. It actually destroyed my self esteem and took more from me than I was willing to give. It made me feel ugly, dirty, unworthy of forgiveness, like a disaster. I was breaking God’s heart and my own heart over and over again, ignoring my conviction. It made me feel even lonelier than I did before. It haunted me because even in my mess, I still wanted to be used by God, loved by God, and I still wanted to inspire other people. But who am I??? Who am I to tell the people not to do something that I wasn’t willing to stop?Pleasure for a moment didn’t give me the satisfaction, safety, and comfort that I craved so bad. I was farther away from the person I desired to be than I had ever been before.
Although I’m still a virgin, I can say that it is now a battle between me and my flesh every single day; which is something I never thought would be my story. But I’ve decided that this is a fight I will not lose.
The truth is living a life of purity is more than just not having sex. It’s your attitude, your words, what you allow yourself to be influenced by (music, movies, etc), and who you allow to have a part of your life, your heart, and your spirit. A friend reminded me that asking for forgiveness is good and dandy when it comes to screwing up and making decisions that can take away your purity. But the more beautiful concept is F R E E D O M. In order to live freely in purity, you must get over repetitively sinning and then asking for forgiveness. Thats not fair to God, and it’s really not fair to you. You need to come to the conclusion and reality, that you will stop putting yourself in situations to mess up. You have to make the choice to forgive yourself and proceed to create a game plan that sets you up to not have to ask for forgiveness for the same thing over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, forgiveness is necessary but in freedom, you know and accept that you’ve been forgiven.
The truth is its never too late to live a pure life. Even if you’ve given your virginity away, its not too late. Even if someone took it from you, its not too late. There is nothing too dirty or unclean that God can’t make worthy. His blood has washed away our sins, impurities, and mistakes. His restorative power is still strong. He is merciful always. His grace is always sufficient. His love is SO overwhelming and unconditional even when we step outside of His will for us. He never stops caring for us and pursuing us when we do things that don’t glorify Him, and that’s all the more reason to live a life pleasing to Him. There were times I thought I was so unworthy of God’s love and grace because of the things I allowed myself to do. But His words of affirmation and love gave me another option. He gave me another choice. I chose to be His. I chose to live like Him. He is the ultimate example of purity. He lived the most beautiful, clean life, and its never too late to model YOUR life after His.
The truth is I could go on and on about this subject because its so close to my heart. I hope this helps an encourages someone to hold on to their virginity a little while longer, decide today to live a pure life, and to chase after Jesus like never before. As always love God, love people, and love purity.